Well a few weeks ago I shared a post with news we were expecting baby #6....also a video of my kids reaction. All was good but unfortunately something went wrong.
Last week when I returned to the doctor for a follow up ultrasound to check on a small blood clot that was present 2 wks prior. The baby's heartbeart was no longer present....doctor said the baby was measuring smaller which means somewhere in those 2 wks it stopped thriving. I now have to wait for natural miscarriage or schedule surgery....what a decision!
I was shocked and saddened but kept my composure while in the office, because I still needed to get bloodwork. The kicker was that I had to take a taxi cab to the doctor because I could not find my truck keys earlier that morning. So I now had to stand outside and wait for a cab.
I walked outside and it was still a gloomy grey day outside, none the less I threw on my Jackie O shades and started to walk....I don't know why but I did. It was my old neighborhood so didn't bother me. I just walked and thought oh I'll go to the bank (???) So I walked about 10 blocks balling my eyes out as I walked down the street. I played back what I had done, did I overdue it. What about those heavy boxes I lifted, whatever I could think to blame myself I did. Then heard the doctors voice "you know you did nothing to make this happen right?" I never answered her. So I continued in my thoughts and my self blame.
My phone alerts were going off, my daughter asked how the baby was...I text her the news. My friend Liza texted me and I texted her the news....all as I walked, cried and texted. Then my phone rang and it was my friend Liza...I didn't want to answer but thought it would be rude, but I was still crying out of control. I answered, she spoke....I lost it. I couldn't speak, she just kept speaking to me, she told me how sorry she was and that she understand. And I know that she did, we have been down this road with each other before...I walked she talked, I asked her to hold a minute, tried to gain my composure and then we had a short conversation.
My phone rang again and it was my beautiful California girl Paulette, who I just recently become close to on facebook through 2 other fabulous ladies Barbara and Angela. I couldn't go through the phone convo again especially since this would be the 1st time she ever heard my voice. I felt horrible to let the call go, but I couldnt do it again. I know think to myself how amazing that she took the time and reached out to me in my time of need.
I took my cab and came home, crawled into bed and laid there with tears streaming down my face for hours. My daughter came in and checked on me, brought me a drink...gave me a hug and a kiss but wouldnt look at me (she was taking it hard because the baby was due on her birthday)
While in the cab I posted to my personal facebook "the lord giveth and the lord taketh away" that is the one thing that stuck in my mind. I wasnt angry....that's a lie, I was! But not with God, I had given myself and said to him when I found out that I will follow whatever path he puts me on.
Apparently my friends all read very well into that phrase...I started receiving texts, facebook notifications and posts on my wall. My phone alert (which is the Godfather theme by the way) played all afternoon long as I lay in bed. Not a very cheerful tune but kind of fitting for my mood.
I felt sorry for myself for hours, but then just thought to my self how blessed that I am. I have an amazing husband who loves me, 5 beautiful healthy children who I love and adore, and Im going to fulfill my childhood dream of opening my own shop in less than a month. I had to get up and feed the kids for dinner so I did.
So I rationalized that this baby was meant to be in heaven with God and our 2 other angels that are there as well. I don't pretend to know the reason why this happened but I am going to just take it as a lesson of life.
So this is 'WHAT HAPPENED' now for those of you that were wondering by the comments from friends on both personal and Lucky 7 Design page.
A German philosopher once said:
That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger!
I have something to add to that, and in the sadness of this all..it is now a joke among friends.
That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.........I'm now a Superhero!
Thank you all so much for you love and support for me and for my family. It is truly amazing the connections you can make and friendships created.